About a month ago, I was on a morning run contemplating some social media posts I had read that morning, and the news headlines, and the conversations of the day before. I was contemplating the polarization that surrounds us and the hypocrisies I see. I was trying to understand how people that I know to be kind, loving, caring humans were posting things that seemed in direct opposition to those values. Political slurs. Racist comments. Articles that call for hate. I just kept thinking, “I don’t understand.”
At that moment, a human being sped right through a stop sign, within arms’ length, directly in front of me, with not even a look to his left or a pause where there should have been a full stop. I felt the adrenaline race through my body, I threw my arms up in the air, and a slur of words came streaming out of my normally kind, loving, and caring mouth.
And, then, I. Got. It. We are all operating from a place of fear right now. Most of us are feeling threatened in one way or another in this moment. When our world is threatened, our reaction is not one to pause and listen by nature, it is to throw our hands up in the air and start muttering at strangers who we feel are endangering us.
This is manifesting right now in so many different ways. Some are posting more and more extreme perspectives, without concern to fact or source checking. We need to feel that what we are saying is ‘right.’ We need to feel that we are OK. We need to feel that we have some control. We are seeing a post or reading an article from one side, and instead of engaging in a conversation with an individual, we are responding with our own post in opposition. Instead of leaning into the discomfort of conversations with those who see the world differently, and listening to their fear, and accepting challenge and discomfort we are grasping desperately at what ever we can. We are pushing away anyone who may challenge us in a desperate attempt at self-preservation. We are uncomfortable enough and can’t imagine digging into more discomfort.
Unfortunately, as any teenager who tries to ignore their parents and pretend they aren’t there can tell you, this strategy doesn’t actually make those who disagree with us disappear. It also doesn’t help to make us any safer or comfortable. As the fear and anxiety increase over the coming month, I offer three strategies to keep on keeping on. In the words of Marie Curie, “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
1. Keep on breathing. When you see that post or news story or get that text that rocks your world, and not in a good way, take some deep breaths. Go for a walk. Put on some nature sounds. Close your eyes, and feel that fear. Recognize it. Welcome it. And, name it. Ask, what is it that I most fear right now? Is there something I can do? Who or where are our happy spaces? That is the space from which we need to respond. Not the space of threat and fear.
2. Acknowledge the fear in others. We are taught fear is a weakness and spend our lives internalizing and trying to hide it. For every ‘problematic’ post or comment, how does the narrative in your head change if you re-frame it as “what are they afraid of?” Now, you are engaging with this person as a human first. We may not agree with their fear, but we can all learn to create space to hold it. We all fear, maybe not the same thing, but we all fear.
3. Call up, don’t call out. In a world where social media is a part of most people’s lives, there is often a reaction to what we see where we either block that person, call them out on all the reasons they are wrong, or allow it to wreck our day. How would this shift if instead of going after their beliefs, we owned our own? Even if you are a lawyer, social media is not a space where the most eloquent and well supported argument wins. Going to post back? Phrase it as “my experience has been different…” You can offer a dissenting perspective without coming in with your fists up. We are not transformed by those who call us names, or threaten us, we are transformed by those who take the time to listen, to engage, and to share of themselves. Better yet, don’t respond to the post, ask the person if you can give them a call so you can better understand where they are coming from and have an actual conversation. Just listen to them. Connection overcomes fear.
Can we all commit to trying to understand why others are feeling threatened so we can actually listen and hear what the ‘other’ is saying? There are many things we cannot control right now. How WE engage is one we can.
To dive deeper into how to have these conversations, join an upcoming workshop on Courageous Conversations in Times of Pandemic and Polarization. www.wishyouknew.net/workshops